The First Boy We Loved

Since the death of our beloved Tetley on Wednesday morning I have had this blog post swirling around my head. I think it’s in an attempt to try and make sense of it all and to try and understand why I am feeling such a depth of sadness. To some of you reading this, you will be rolling your eyes and thinking flipping heck Ruth he was only a cat, but to me, to us, he was much more than that! He was the place we put our parenting desires and along with his sister they are the first thing Matthew and I ever have nurtured together.

I have a mothers heart, I always have, I long to help and nurture and provide, I played with dolls till way into my teenager years (that might be another blog post) and I always believed by 37 I would have at least one child, I hoped I’d have four! But, it hasn’t happened like that for us, it hasn’t been the journey that we as a couple were meant to walk. So, in getting kittens it gave me somewhere to put this parental heart of mine and a place where Matthew and I cared for and loved something together. Tetley was ours, he needed us, he was completely reliant on us from the moment he entered our home. We made decisions about him together, ‘will we let him out?’ ‘what will we feed him?’ ‘what insurance will we take out?’ ‘he’s not well who’s going to finish early to take him to the vets?’ Essentially we parented him, in this baby shaped hole that is at times so massive we got the opportunity to protect, nurture and love a little being, something that needed US.

I spoke to my good friend Sheila shortly after Tetley died, she is a fellow fertility walker and cat lover, she helped me to understand why I felt so sad, why this loss had had such a profound affect on me, he was more than JUST a cat.

Tetley was our family, he was the only thing we nurtured together and brought a deep deep joy that we cannot explain. He was there every day when we came home from work and he watched me leave the house every morning. He saw me through some of my darkest times. He was there after every failed pregnancy test, after every horrible appointment, he taught me to love in the purest way and he loved me just as I am with no questions or judgements. He gave me a sense of looking after something, we watched him grow and develop his own little personality.

The loss of any pet is totally devastating but I do think on this fertility journey there is a sting that cuts remarkably deep, the creatures we welcome into our home take a spot in our hearts that needs filling. They are the only opportunity we get to really try and look after something. They soothe us, they love us and they create something within our family that is missing. I have been inundated with messages from people on instagram who are or have experienced infertility telling me they have been hit as hard at the loss of their pets.

Tetley will forever be our first boy, he will forever be the boy that first made us feel like a family and his name will be remembered in our home forever. Wherever he is, wherever his sweet soul has gone I hope he knows he was loved so completely by us and he gave us something we can never explain or thank him for. Sleep well our precious boy, we love you dearly.

Big love

Ruth x

#loss #infertility #fertility