New Year New...
“She will not worry. She will be just fine. She will brave this new season one day at a time.” Morgan Harper-Nichols
How does January make you feel? For some it’s an exciting season, a fresh canvas, 365 days spilling out ahead of them, the endless possibilities of life all wrapped in a new leather bound fresh smelling notebook waiting to be written in. For others there is a sense of the unknown, the dread, the worry the constant ‘what if.’
I definitely fall in the latter of these categories. Don’t get me wrong, I love adventure and new beginnings and I try as much as I can to embrace change. But, in the early of days of January I have a sense of anxiety, worry and fear, a nagging a sense of ‘what if’ that I cannot shift.
I think of all the opportunities spread out in the year ahead of us, the places we can travel, the sites we can see, the people we can chose to love a bit harder and then BAM, in the blink of an eye I see the heartache that could ensue, the pain that could arise and the loss that may await us.
This afternoon with Matthew, I sat and cried, I asked him what was wrong with me and why I felt this way, I asked him if everything was going to be ok and he said of course it is! I managed to calm myself down and I began to reflect on what these feelings were about. Sometimes in these new seasons I have a voice that tells me not to get too comfortable. The loss could consume me at the next turn, the people that could let me down, the pregnancy tests that could be negative and the grief that could rise again. In those moments I have a choice, I can sit and worry, allow the joy I have to be stolen from me by thinking about things that may never happen. Or, I can chose to take this new season, this new canvas one day at a time and see what is waiting for me
The ‘what if’ robs me, it steals the life I live from right out under me and it means I spend New Years Day in tears. For this reason I will choose remember that in ‘In overwhelming anxiety she found overwhelming grace’ (Morgan Harper-Nichols)
The point is, I’m still standing, I’ve walked some incredibly rocky paths before and I am sure there will be many more that lay ahead of me. However, today is the fresh start, the new notebook, the blank canvas, a time to leave the language of last year behind us and look to the joy that awaits and the challenges that may be to come. For now, I wait with buckets of hope, hope that is so fragile, hope that makes us feel vulnerable, hope that is so necessary if we are to keep going, to keep showing up and keep squeezing every last thing this world has to offer us. I wait in anticipation with overwhelming grace to tackle what is to come.
What about you? How do you feel in this new season? How do you work through those moments of fear and dread? I’d love to hear your tips and hints.
Big love
Ruth x
Comments