Understanding the Journey || Self-Harm

Until very recently I was working for a charity called SelfharmUK and let me tell you they are fantastic. If you are self-harming or know someone who is, I can highly recommend them to help and support. If your looking for some training around self-harm, have a look here.

Back in August The Children’s Society released a really interesting report about about self-harm, within this they stated that 22% of girls aged 14 said they had self-harmed. This is hugely alarming and I would suggest only half of the story. You see with most topics like this we rely on self reporting to give us stats, this means that the problem is likely to be far greater and the numbers far higher.

Since the report came out, I have heard many news articles and radio programs using this to talk about the state of adolescent Mental Health services in the UK. These two topics are nearly always linked together, we hear self-harm we instantly think mental health problem. BUT, what if we began to see self-harm in the same way that we see addiction? If someone disclosed they were regularly using heroin we wouldn’t automatically assume they had a mental health problem, we would think they had found an unhelpful and unhealthy coping mechanism. We also wouldn’t say they just had to stop, we would consider that this advice might actually kill them.

This is the same for self-harm, it is an unhealthy coping mechanism that is often the response to an un-met emotional need or trauma. Someone can be self-harming because they have a mental health condition, but they may also be harming due to confusion about their sexuality or gender or it could be that they are being bullied. I think the instant assumption between self-harm and mental health is unhelpful and not always true. Self-harm is incredibly complex and hard to understand, but so is any form of addiction and it means that I think we must begin to treat and think about these two topics in the same way. If we start to ensure people have the help and support they need to think and talk about their self-harm it might be the very thing that helps them to reduce this behaviour all together. Telling someone to stop is not helpful and won’t work, instead, it’s about asking them to think through why they began harming and why it helps them. This may be just the thing that helps them make sense of what is happening.

Here is some do’s and don’ts if someone you know is harming. (This is not and exhaustive list, just some of my top tips);

DO

Give them space to talk about their harming as much as they need to

Ensure they seek help and advice, this may be through talking therapies or group work. Ensure they seek medical advice if they are cutting or self-poisoning

Be patient and remember in any addiction recovery lapse and re-lapse are very likely, if this happens, help them to see that this is nothing to be ashamed of and is often the biggest part of getting better

DON’T

Tell them to stop harming - controversial I know, but it’s not meeting the emotional need or underlying problem. It is only making them feel shameful for what they are doing and will likely mean the will stop talking to you about it or change their how they are harming

Rush them to talk about it, self-harm is an acutely personal thing and people must be given the chance to talk about it in their own terms and more importantly their own language

Call them attention seeking, I think this is one of the most hurtful and unhelpful things we can say to people who are harming, either directly to them or in conversation with others. Firstly, what is wrong with wanting attention? It’s something we all yearn for. Secondly, someone can be harming for years and not tell anyone, then the moment the disclose, they are labeled an attention seeker. It’s not helpful and it doesn’t change the situation for the person harming.

You can buy a parents guide to self-harm here

Helpful resources

SelfharmUK

Young Minds

Mind

The Samaritans

BEAT

Remember if someone you know is harming, always try and seek professional advice and support for you and them

Big Love

Ruth xx

#selfharm #helpandsupport #mentalhealth